我應該有個伴侶嗎？以及，如何相處？

沒

有

外

人

在

看

人們問佛陀：「我應該有一個伴侶嗎？」 佛陀說：「與愚人同步，不如獨自前行。

」

同樣問題總是有不同回答，薩古魯在這篇文章中談及結婚還是不結婚，以及怎樣在婚姻中美妙相處。

啊，這真是生活中影響深遠的問題。

ps. 頁末有另一篇《對長期伴侶保持慾望的秘訣》，值得一看，不過它後半段含廣告（特此提示）。

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如何選擇合適的伴侶

Sadhguru

-

我經常被問到的問題之一是怎樣選擇合適的人作為伴侶。

試圖找到完美伴侶，是在期待不可能之事。

婚姻中之所以充滿爭吵，是因為人們在這段關係中要分享很多東西。

問題既不在於婚姻，也不在於男人或女人、丈夫或妻子——在任何被迫需要和他人分享很多東西的情況下，人們都面臨類似問題。

在婚姻或同居生活中，人們總是需要共享同一空間等，所以每天在這事那事上總會有「互相踩腳（磕磕碰碰）」。

在其他關係中，如果某個人越界了，你可以拉開一段距離；但在婚姻關係中，你沒有選擇。

重合地方越多，摩擦可能性就越大。

有很多伴侶美妙地生活在一起，彼此深愛，他們是對方極好的伴侶。

但與此同時，這段關係也可能有面目猙獰的時刻。

一般來說，總有一面是外人永遠不知道的門後「家醜」。

如果有人在街上踩了我們的腳，因為大家都在看著，我們的反應會不同。

但在婚姻關係中，沒有外人在看，所以任何事情都可能發生。

婚姻成功的關鍵不在於找到完美對象——地球上本也沒有完美的人。

所以我們需要的是全然的誠實——不管有沒有人看，都應該一樣；不管在哪裡、與什麼人在一起，我們的為人都不應該改變。

一旦我們樹立好自己存在的方式，和他人的互動就可以充滿快樂；另一方面，如果彼此之間想要索取，那隻要其中一人沒得到自己想要的，矛盾就會一直發生。

作為一個獨立的人，我們需要仔細考慮 「需要有一個人在身邊」 是一時興趣還是強烈需求。

並不是每個人必須要有個伴侶，也不是每個人必須要保持單身。

這是每個人都需要自己考量的事情。

我們只應該在一種情況下結婚：內心有一種沒有伴侶就不能活的強烈需求，而且認為婚姻是通向幸福的基石。

結婚本身沒有任何錯。

但是如果並沒有這種需求卻也去結婚，那就是一種罪行，因為這樣會給自己，以及至少另外一個人帶來痛苦。

如果人類面臨滅絕危險，我會建議大家都去結婚，但是現在人口數量爆炸，如果不製造下一代，那倒是給人道事業幫了大忙。

暫且不談這個，重要的事情是：並不是每個人都需要結婚。

當人們問佛陀，「我應該有一個伴侶嗎？」 佛陀說：「與愚人同步，不如獨自前行。

」

我沒有這麼冷酷。

我想說，如果找到一個和自己差不多的「愚人」，那麼有些事情還是可以一起處理的。

但這得來源於你的真正需求，而不是因為社會的聲音，不是因為別人都結婚了，也不是因為你害怕孓然一人。

對於伴侶，我們有什麼期翼？它不應該是：「如果我迷失了，讓另一個人陪我一起迷失吧。

」 伴侶關係或者婚姻並不會解決關於「存在」的問題，它只解決一些需求。

如果有強烈的身體、情感和心理需求，那麼就應該尋找一個伴侶，但不應該僅僅為了社會和經濟原因而結婚。

另一點需要記住的是，結婚是因為需要支持。

這種支持可以是身體上的、情感上的、心理上的、社會上的，或者經濟上的。

但無論什麼原因，不應該出於同情而和別人結婚。

結婚是因為確實需要某些東西。

如果另一個人願意為你提供這些，那麼帶著感激而活，自然也不會有那麼多摩擦。

不要尋找理想的男人或理想的女人，沒有這樣的人。

如果明白是出於自身需求而要尋找一個伴侶，就找一個能和自己比較合拍的人。

如果你接受、尊敬、愛、包容、關心，而且彼此負責，那就可以達成一段美妙關係。

愛與恩典

薩古魯

附原文：

One of the questions that I am asked frequently is how to choose the right person for companionship and marriage. Trying to find the perfect partner is expecting the impossible. One reason why marriage can be tumultuous is because you have toshare so many things in this relationship. The issue is neither marriage, noris it about a man and a woman, husband and wife. In any situation where you areforced to share a lot with other people, you will face similar problems.

In a marriage or cohabitation, you usually have to share the same space, the same everything.Consequently, every day, you are treading on each other’s toes in one way or the other. In other relationships, if someone is overstepping the boundaries,you can create a distance. Here, you do not have a choice. The greater theoverlap, the greater the possibility of friction.

There are many coupleswho are living beautifully together, who are profoundly in love, and who arefantastic companions to each other. At the same time, this relationship canassume the ugliest forms. One contributing factor is that generally, no onegets to know the ugly things that are happening behind closed doors. If someoneon the street steps on your feet, you will react in a different way, becauseeveryone is watching. But in this relationship, no one is watching, so anythingcan happen.What is needed to make a marriage successful is not the perfectperson – there is no perfect person on the planet. What you need is absoluteintegrity. Whether someone is watching or not, you should act in the same way.Who you are should not change depending upon where and with whom you are. Onceyou have established your way of being, interacting with another person can bea joy. Another aspect is that if you try to extract something out of eachother, and you or the other person does not get what he or she wants, therewill be constant conflict.

You as an individualhave to evaluate if this is just a passing interest, or if there is a strongneed to have someone by your side. Not everyone has to get hitched, nor doeseveryone have to live alone. This is something that individuals have to look atfor themselves. You should only get married if there is such a strong need inyou that without a companion, you cannot live, and you believe marriage will bea stepping stone for your wellbeing. There is nothing wrong with gettingmarried. But if you get married without you having the need to do so, then it isa crime, because you will cause misery to yourself and at least one otherperson. We would advise everyone to get married if the human race was in dangerof disappearing, but the human population is exploding. If you do notreproduce, you do humanity a great service. Leaving that aside, the importantthing is this – not everyone needs to get married.

When someone askedGautama the Buddha, 「Should I have a companion?」 he said, 「It’s better to walkalone than to walk with a fool.」 I am not that cruel. I am saying: if you finda similar fool, then something can be worked out. But based on your need – notbecause of what society is saying, not because others are getting married, notbecause you worry about being alone.

What is your intentionfor your companion? It should not be something like, 「If I』m getting lost, letme have another person who gets lost with me.」 Companionship or marriage doesnot solve existential problems. It just takes care of some of your needs. Ifyou have strong physical, emotional, or psychological needs, then you shouldlook for a companion. You should not get married for social and financialreasons alone.

Another point to rememberis that you get married because you need support. This support may be physical,emotional, psychological, social, or financial – whatever it may be, you do notget married out of charity for the other person. You get married because youneed certain things. If the other person is willing to provide them to you, andyou live in gratitude, then there will not be too much friction.

Do not look for theideal man or the ideal woman – there is none. If you understand that it is your needs that make you seek a companion, find someone who is reasonably compatiblewith you. If you accept, respect, love, include, care for, and take responsibility for each other, it can be a beautiful relationship.

Love&Grace,

Sadhguru

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